


how to return home

by logictron



Category: The Brave (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-03-28 03:02:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13894863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/logictron/pseuds/logictron
Summary: Jaz goes home for the first time since losing Elijah.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my hiatus fic. I'm still working on prompts (though please temporarily refrain from sending more until I get caught up!!), but this was what demanded to be written tonight. It will eventually be Jalton but for now is just Jaz-centric.
> 
> Also, pretty much everyone in Vallins' family speaks with a thick southern drawl but I didn't want to type it as such. It makes spell-check mad.
> 
> Title from the Kerrigan and Lowdermilk song by the same name.

For Jaz, home doesn't look like Manhattan, not anymore. There are still parts of her there, of course, but mostly, those are parts she's happy to live without.

No, for her, home now looks like the middle of nowhere, Alabama, like dirt roads and a convenience store older than she is, like cotton and soybean fields and cows dotting every last pasture.

Home looks like the house Elijah grew up in,with a porch swing and blue shutters and a tin roof.

But going home after losing him has been weighing on her for months now. As the date for the end of their deployment loomed, her anxiety had grown. She's not sure how she can go. But she's not sure how she can _not_ , either.

"You gonna go?" McG asks. He's been watching her for the better part of the last half hour, sitting at the kitchen table with their letter in front of her.

"I don't know." She looks up at him. "I'm no good at this stuff. Family stuff."

"That's the great thing about them, Jazzy. You don't have to be. They don't need that. They just need you." He joins her at the table, scooting closer to her. "And after the year we've all had? I think you probably need them a little too."

"And Gavin?" Elijah's boyfriend has sent her a handful of emails, but she's sure seeing him will be hard. She hasn't seen any of them since the memorial.

"Do you remember after the memorial, when it was just us? And we all got drunk and talked about all the crazy shit Elijah had done?" Joseph asks, his arm draping across the back of Jaz's chair.

"Yeah, we all ended up laughing our asses off." She smiles at the memory, despite the edge of sadness that cuts into her.

"We all felt better. Being together, talking about him. And Gavin was right there with us.I really think you should go," he says, squeezing her shoulder. "If it's awful, you can come out to Montana."

"That's quite an offer, trade cows for different cows," Jaz snorts, but she leans into him, briefly tipping her head against his shoulder. "Thanks."

"Anytime," he promises.

It doesn't really make her any less anxious, but at least she's decided now.

 

**

 

Dale Vallins is waiting at baggage claim when Jaz arrives. He's grinning just as big as ever and the knot in her stomach loosens. His arms wrap around her before she realizes she's crying.

"Welcome home, darlin'. It's real good to see you," he greets gruffly, like he's about to shed a few tears of his own, his drawl thick and warm, just like Elijah's had been.

"It's really, really good to be here."

"We've been waiting on you, seems like forever now. Glad you made it safe and sound. Connie's home making dinner. Gavin had work or he'd'a been here with me. Hasn't stopped talking about you all week. You've been sorely missed, kiddo," he says, finally letting go, grabbing up her bag before she can object.

Jaz just follows him and lets herself breathe. She already feels different somehow. Lighter.

Maybe coming home was the right decision after all.

The ride home means the windows down and the radio up, and the New Yorker in her would tell anyone who'll listen that she hates country music, but damn if she doesn't sing along to every single song.

She knows Elijah would give her shit for it, and, watching his dogtags swing from the rearview, Jaz smiles a real smile for the first time in a very, very long time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family dinner and late night phone calls from a certain someone.
> 
> Also, in trying to work out where this story fit in my personal headcanon, I've now determined it comes in the same verse as "if we rolled down streets of fire" and "love can tell a million stories". So yeah, this is after that. And in this verse, Hannah and Amir aren't quite together yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When the baby takes two hour naps, you get updates in the middle of the day! How exciting!

Dinner is an extravagant affair, exactly as Jaz knew it would be. There's every conceivable incarnation of southern barbecue covering so much of the dining room table, they have to eat on the screened in back porch. An hour ago, the idea would've been absurd, but with the sun just barely below the horizon now, the weather is manageably warm instead of stiflingly so. The fan overhead provides a welcome breeze.

"So, how's the other half of the world treating you?" Connie asks. She'd been just as overjoyed as her husband to welcome Jaz home. Maybe more so, actually. And she's hugged Jaz at least five times in the last two hours. But it's nice to feel wanted, to feel like they didn't just ask her here out of obligation to Elijah.

"The same, mostly." She can't tell them much, and she wouldn't even if she could. There are things they don't need to worry about.

"And this guy, Amir? He's alright?" Gavin asks.

That, she can talk about. So she tells them all about the invisible man and his stupidly delicious cooking and his patience and his kindness and his quiet love for the pretty, sharp-witted analyst in DC.

"You know that's Eli's doing," Gavin says. Elijah's matchmaking skills and taste for romance had been basically legendary.

"Funny," she murmurs, smiling and sipping her iced tea. "I told Amir the exact same thing."

**

Several weeks of running on no schedule at all with Preach being in the hospital means Jaz isn't the least bit tired after dinner and dessert and way too much talking. Even after helping Connie clean up and bidding Gavin goodnight before sending him home, she has no desire to sleep.

Instead, she takes the blanket from the porch swing and brings it out to Elijah's old truck. She climbs up into the bed and curls up with the blanket, staring up at the sky and listening to the crickets. She cries for the second time today, remembering all the other nights she'd fallen asleep out here with Elijah beside her, or the time they'd tailgated a high school football game, or the time he and Gavin had dragged her fishing and she'd spent all day sunbathing right here. And then she cries harder, thinking about all the memories she doesn't get to have with him.

When the tears finally stop, Jaz wipes at her cheeks and blinks at the stars, suddenly remembering her conversation with Top in Spain. Losing Elijah had certainly brought them closer. She wonders if maybe his matchmaking skills are at play here, too, somehow.

"That's not gonna work. You know that," she mutters aloud. In her pocket, her phone buzzes and she narrows her eyes at the sky as she digs it out. "Seriously?"

Sure enough, it's Adam's number lighting up the screen. She can't help but laugh as she answers.

"So, I take it you're doing okay, then?" he asks.

"It was a good choice, coming here."

"I'm glad." He sounds tired, but not stressed, so at least there's that.

"I was just thinking about you, you know." It feels easier to be honest when he's several states away.

"Oh yeah? Why's that?"

"Laying in the truck, looking at the sky, thinking about the vain queen," she says.

"That was a good night."

"You mean, until McG seduced the daughter or a top-level Russian spy?"

"Yeah, until then," Adam chuckles.

"How're you doing?" she asks. The imminent danger of losing Preach is behind them now, but she knows it's not always that easy.

"Okay, I think. It's...it was a rough deployment." She can practically see him scrubbing his face, his brow furrowed. It's only been a couple days now,but she misses him.

"But we made it," she says.

"Jaz, I..." He stops, sighs. Jaz waits, she has time. For this, for him. Always. "I wouldn't have gotten through any of this without you."

The urge to deflect, shrug him off and make a joke, threatens her tongue, but she swallows it back.

"Yeah, me neither. I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight." They'd shared the bed in the hotel room after the first night of her finding him in the bathroom in the throes of a nightmare. It was the only way he'd gotten any rest. And she'd grown accustomed to the weight of him there, the sound of his breathing.

"That makes two of us."

"At least you have the dog."

"You should've seen him when we got here and I let him out of the car. I don't think I've ever seen a dog so happy in my life," Dalton chuckles. "I don't think he can move after all the running he did. Watching him was making me dizzy."

"I miss him. I miss you." She's starting to wonder if she can get through this whole leave without seeing him. Two months is a long time.

"You should come up here."

It's the worst idea, the two of them, alone in a cabin somewhere in the mountains. Suddenly, all she can think about is his mouth and how good it had felt to kiss him, despite the circumstances.

"We'll see," Jaz says, then immediately senses his tension. "Don't you dare apologize again. I'm not sorry, Adam. And I hope to God you're not either. But this isn't simple."

"Yeah, alright, I hear you."

"It's late. We should try to get some rest." She sits up and finds the house dark, save for the porch light. She has no idea how long she's been out here. "You'll call me, though, if you need to?"

"Yeah."

She snorts. "Liar."

"Well, it was worth a shot."

"G'night, Adam."

"Night, Jaz."

She makes her way back inside and realizes as she slips into bed that she forgot to account for one thing: the bed still smells like Elijah. She curls around a pillow and closes her eyes. It's comfort enough to sleep. It's comfort enough to dream.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaz gets a little stuck in her head thinking about a certain someone.

Jaz wakes up to the smell of coffee and pancakes, sun streaming through the window. She lays there for a few minutes, soaking up the reality of being here, and then reaches out for her phone.

There's a text from McG, and another from Amir. She texts McG back to let him know she's doing okay and she'll touch base with him later, but she actually calls Amir, mostly because she's nosy and wants to know if he's talked to Hannah yet.

"I had a feeling you wouldn't settle for a text," he says, chuckling. His voice is warmer and more relaxed than it's been since everything with Hoffman. Coming back is suiting all of them just fine.

"And yet you tried anyway. Admirable, truly," Jaz teases. "You still in DC?"

She hears his sigh and practically hears his eyeroll, because she's fishing and he knows it. "We had dinner last night."

"And you had a good time?"

"It's been a long time since I've been on a date. It was definitely nice," Amir replies, sounding a little bashful. Jaz thinks it's pretty adorable.

"So, when're you seeing her again?"

"Lunch this afternoon, actually."

"Go get 'em, tiger," she teases and Amir just groans at her.

"You're as bad as McGuire, you know that?"

"You've told _Joseph_ about this, then?" Jaz asks. She's been regaled with the tale of Colombia a few thousand times by now. It still makes her laugh, imagining the two of them falling all over themselves to impress the analyst.

"Like I could resist the opportunity to rub his face in it," Amir chuckles.

"Good man."

"And you and Top?"

Jaz chews her lip, pickling invisible lint off the comforter. "Me and Top are decompressing. Separately."

"It was a rough deployment."

"Yeah. He called last night. We talked for a while."

"That's a start," Amir says. And he's right, but Jaz has to wonder what it's the start to.

**

She opts for a run before breakfast, both because if she waits, the weather will be too muggy, and because she needs to clear her head a bit. The high school is only a couple miles down the road and has a paved track, so she ends up there, the routine familiar. It doesn't take long for her lungs to burn. Jaz would much rather pound into a heavy bag. Running isn't her thing. Running is--was--Elijah's thing. Her knee starts to ache and she finally lets up, wiping at her brow with the hem of her shirt.

The reprieve from her thoughts is short-lived. She's barely off of school property before her mind drifts back to Adam. How had she even gotten here? The lines are clearly drawn. They always have been. The chain of command is clear, the rules are clear. And Jaz isn't much of a rule breaker. Not anymore.

But after losing Elijah, it was Adam who held her together. She and McGuire had both suffered, and they couldn't lean on each other. The foundation was too rocky then. Preach had stepped up for Joseph and Adam had been there for her. Which had worked perfectly.

Except it meant Adam had let her in.

Jaz isn't sure when, exactly, or why, but he had. And she'd let him in, too. And he'd understood all of it. All of her. Parts of her she hadn't even let Elijah see. Parts of her she hadn't even known were there.

And all of that had been perfectly fine. Jaz is used to locking down feelings. Duty comes first. Always.

Except somewhere between Tehran and the hospital rooftop,things had changed. Somewhere, she'd caught a glimpse and seen that her feelings weren't one-sided. And that was just gasoline on the barely-contained fire.

Nearing the house, Jaz sighs. She wishes Elijah were here to talk to.

"There she is." Gavin greets her from the porch. It's Saturday, of course he's here. She hasn't exactly been paying attention.

"Went for a run," she says, as if it weren't obvious.

"Figured I'd wait on you for breakfast. Connie and Dale went out, said they'd be back for lunch." He tilts his head as he studies her and Jaz can't help but feel exposed under the scrutiny.

"What?"

"You wanna talk about whatever's going on, or you gonna make me drag it outta you?"

Jaz follows him into the house and finds he's already fixed her a fresh cup of coffee and set the table. A perfect gentleman. Elijah wouldn't have allowed for anything less.

"It's complicated," she says finally, sinking into her chair.

"Honey, I'm a gay man who grew up in rural Alabama. I dated an army man while Don't Ask, Don't Tell was still in place. Complicated is nothing new," Gavin replies, joining her at the table.

"It's...my relationship with my commanding officer's gotten a little...murky."

"Adam? Mmm, can't say you don't have taste," he hums, grinning.

"McG was always more Elijah's speed," she notes, amused.

"Oh, believe me, I know. But back to Adam."

So, over homemade pancakes, Jaz spills her heart out, and she has to admit, even if it doesn't solve anything, it feels pretty damn amazing.

**

She and Gavin make lunch for Cammie and Dale, which is a simple task of readying some leftovers and preparing a quick salad. Jaz has actually learned a few things from Amir and chopping the vegetables and whipping up a vinaigrette proves easier than she expected.

"A regular Paula Dean!" Gavin crows.

"I don't even think Paula Dean knows what a salad is," Jaz counters, laughing.

"You have a point there."

The music that's been playing softly in the background suddenly catches his attention and Gavin reaches for the speaker to crank the volume. It's _Sideshow_ and the realization brings a sort of sad lightness that Jaz has grown intimately familiar with. Nostalgia and grief and the knowledge that Elijah is still here, somehow, all wrapped up in one.

"Don't make me sing alone," he says, though his smile is knowing. If she declines, he'll let it slide.

But Jaz rolls her eyes and sings anyway, overly dramatic, because it's the only way to get through it without crying. Gavin's voice isn't as deep or melodic as Elijah's, but it doesn't matter. That's not the point. So they sing, and that's how Connie and Dale find them, serenading each other over pulled pork and potato salad.

Jaz might've been embarrassed, if they didn't look so damn happy.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin and Jaz reflect on Elijah. Jaz and Adam have a few late night chats. This chapter is solidly in "T" territory. My lovely beta, undercoverwatermoon's first comment on this was "Oh my GOD" so take that as you wish.

After dinner, the melancholy sets in. Not really for her, but it's coming off of Gavin in waves. Jaz leads him out onto the porch and sinks down in the swing, leaning against his side.

 

"You know he'd be really proud of you,” she murmurs. "It would've been so damn easy for us to give up without him."

 

"He would've been pissed. Can you imagine?" Gavin asks, laughing through tears.

 

"Yeah, he would've," Jaz agrees, pressing closer to him. "You know that song was the first one we ever sang together?" It's been a while since she revisited this particular memory, but it feels appropriate now, even with the lump it brings to her throat.

 

"I did know that," Gavin says, sliding his arm around her shoulders. "But you should tell me again."

 

Though she’s told it multiple times, the story never fails to lift her spirits. She tells him about the first day in Incirlik. Adam had met her at the airstrip and driven her back to their little hut on the base's edge. Elijah had been dancing around with McG in his arms, serenading him and expecting McG to sing his part, which he had zero apparent interest in doing. Begrudgingly, McG had sung, but he'd screwed up all the words causing Jaz to casually remark, "That's not how it goes." Elijah had looked at her like she was his long lost soulmate. They'd never looked back.

 

"He called me the next day," Gavin says. "To tell me all about this amazing girl. Almost made me jealous."

 

"You never had a damn thing to worry about. He loved you more than anything. I never even knew something like that was possible," Jaz admits, smiling despite the threat of tears.

 

"But now you know.” He kisses the top of her head, just like Elijah used to do and lets the quiet settle a bit before speaking again. “So, you think that's something you could have with Adam?"

 

"That's jumping, like, so many steps ahead," Jaz groans.

 

"Well, that's not exactly a 'no', so I'll take it," Gavin laughs. "Just do me a favor and don't let this pass you by without some serious thought, okay? I know it’s not a clear cut situation, but that's love, you know?"

 

Under any other circumstances, coming from literally anyone else, she would balk at the word. But she's safe here and it's not entirely wrong, so she just sighs.

 

"Yeah, okay."

 

**

 

It's nearly 3am when her phone goes off, just a quiet buzz under her pillow, but Jaz startles awake with a racing heart. The remnants of the nightmare still linger as she glances at her phone, squinting against the light.

 

Adam. _You up?_

 

 _I am now_ she nearly shoots back sarcastically, but he’s reaching out to her and it’s kind of a big deal. She just calls him instead.

 

"Hey. You didn't have to call."

 

"You say that like it's a chore. Last I checked, we're on leave and you can't boss me around. Maybe I just missed talking to you," she murmurs, the cold edge of her nightmare fading at the familiar warmth of his voice.

 

"I am not bossy. You want bossy, I'll put McG in charge for a week and you can see how that goes," he chuckles. He still sounds tired.

 

"Mmm, no, I think I'll keep you. Devil you know and all that," she says, stifling a yawn and rolling onto her back. The stars on the ceiling aren't anywhere near as brilliant or as vast as the ones outside, but they're comforting all the same.

 

"Aw, shucks. You really know how to make a guy feel special. Sorry I woke you."

 

"You didn't." Of course he would know.

 

"Liar," he says, mocking their earlier conversation.

 

"It was a nightmare anyway. So I should be thanking you." Admitting it feels easier than keeping up the lie.

 

"Wanna talk about it?" he offers.

 

Jaz knows she can turn him down and he'll drop it. But sharing with him has become almost second nature.

 

"I was back in Tehran...and he told me you were dead- showed me - and I didn't believe him. And then they brought me Elijah's head." Just saying it makes her queasy, and the words sour on her tongue. "God."

 

"You're alright," he promises, calm and steady like always. "Just breathe a second, yeah?"

 

Jaz does, in through her nose and out through her mouth, until the nausea subsides.

 

"You with me?" Adam asks and she nods before realizing he can't see her.

 

"Yeah, I'm here. Talk to me? How's Patton?" The dog is a safe topic for both of them.

 

"He's having the time of his life. I have no idea how I'm gonna bring him back to Turkey after this," Adam says. "Hang on."

 

She waits, wondering what the hell she's waiting for until her phone goes off in her hand and there's a picture of Patton passed out on Adam's chest; Adam's bare chest. Jaz swallows. It's not like she hasn't seen him shirtless a thousand times, but somehow having a picture makes it seem considerably more intimate.

 

"You're spoiling him. At this rate, we're gonna have to get him his own bed," she teases, impressed with herself for not letting on.

 

"Probably. But I'm a sucker."

 

"You are. It's kind of adorable," Jaz says, and then promptly smacks herself in the forehead because what kind of stupid fucking comment was that? "I mean he's adorable."

 

"You know, I don't think anyone's called me adorable since I was a kid," he laughs, ignoring her attempt at a save.

 

"Yeah, well, don't get used to it. This is what happens when you wake me up in the middle of the night," she mutters.

 

"You have no filter? I'll have to wake you up more often, then," Adam says. "I'm sorry. I should let you go."

 

The rapid backtrack takes Jaz a second to process.

 

"No, don't. Why'd you text me, anyway?"

 

"Couldn't sleep. That's all."

 

Jaz knows, without asking, exactly the kind of demons keeping him awake. She also knows that he's not ready to talk about them yet. These particular demons are fresh; too close to the surface to risk putting them into words just now. Instead, she hums and curls up on her side, figuring there's exactly one thing that might help.

 

"Stay on the phone with me?" she asks.

 

The relief is tangible in his voice when he agrees. She doesn't let herself drift off again until Adam's breathing evens out. It’s comforting to know he’s there, even through the tinny echo of the call.

 

**

 

In the morning, the call is still going. It hasn't been that long since they fell asleep (the counter on her phone says it's been 4 hours and 37 minutes), and Adam's still sound asleep. Jaz disconnects the call and slips out of bed to go for a run.

 

Like yesterday, there's breakfast and Gavin is waiting when she comes home. The predictability and the routine of it all set her at ease in a way nothing else has in a long time. She figures maybe this is what home is supposed to feel like. She’s so grateful to Elijah for giving this to her.

 

**

 

The routine starts to include Adam, somehow. Instead of falling asleep and waiting for him to cave at 3am, Jaz starts calling Adam when she goes to bed for the night. They talk about his day; boating, fishing and hiking with Patton. They also talk about hers. The ridiculous Walmart fashion shows - courtesy of Gavin- gardening and cooking with Connie; going shooting with Dale.

 

"Family looks good on you, Jazzy," he says. It’s been a week of bedtime chats that end with them falling asleep together, hundreds of miles apart.

 

"You can't even see me," she points out, teasing. "Besides, I have a family already. With the team."

 

"You know what I mean. I can tell you're happy there, is all. And I'm glad. You deserve it. But I do miss seeing you."

 

She feels her cheeks warm.

 

"I miss seeing you too," she murmurs.

 

"But see, you have a picture of me, and I don't have one of you," he says. It’s the closest thing to flirting he's said all week.

 

"Um, last I checked, I had a picture of the damn dog, not you," Jaz scoffs at him.

 

"That can be fixed."

 

"Why don't you just ask me what I'm wearing?" she challenges, not sure where the bravery is coming from. Maybe it's all of Gavin's goading.

 

"What're you wearing?" She's heard him in all kinds of situations, but not like this. Even as an exaggerated tease, his voice is dizzying and warm. Suddenly all she can think about is kissing him. She can still taste his mouth; still feel the faint tickle of his beard. She must make some kind of sound, because she hears his breathing go a little ragged in her ear. It's enough to bring her back from memory land.

 

"Nothing," she purrs, intentionally seductive in a way she reserves purely for playing a part and nothing more. And it's a total lie. But it'll get Adam back just a little bit.

 

"Jaz," he says, clearly amused but a little flustered.

 

"You asked."

 

"Pics or it didn't happen. Isn't that what the kids are saying these days?" he asks, and that he's not backing down has her a little rattled herself.

 

She's not a selfie person. To the best of her knowledge, she's never taken one. But she poses sort of awkwardly in the warm light of the bedside table lamp, stretched out on the bed in her wife beater and shorts; something he's seen her in a million times before. Jaz sends the picture before she can change her mind. Self-conscious isn't something she does, but right now, things feel different. Intimate, like the shirtless picture of him with the dog. The one she's looked at more than a few times.

 

"Liar," he murmurs again, and it takes a few seconds for her brain to catch up.

 

"Sorry to disappoint you," she laughs softly, trying to remember the last time she felt like this; flirty and carefree.

 

"You have never disappointed me," he says, suddenly serious.

 

"I know."

 

That night, she dreams about waking up in his bed, in his arms, with his lips on her neck. She wakes up flushed and panting, blankets in a heap on the floor. The phone is discarded next to her with the call already disconnected. Jaz can't help but wonder if he dreamed of her, too. She really, really hopes so.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaz finally actually talks to McG and has a problematic dream about Adam. Gavin is a terrible influence. There is moonshine. Please note the increase in rating!!
> 
> Thanks again to my lovely beta, undercoverwatermoon.

McG calls her just as she's setting out on her morning run, and Jaz decides that's as good a reason as any to just walk for the day. Not to mention, it's substantially hotter today than yesterday. Summer comes fast in the south.

"Just checking in," he says. "Don't tell anyone but you're my favorite and I kinda miss having you around."

"I’m everyone's favorite," she says, grinning as affection blooms in her chest. The chasm that had so abruptly formed between them after Elijah's passing had mended. In some ways, she feels like she and McG are closer than ever.

"What can we say? We have good taste."

"I'm sorry, was that a genuine compliment? Are you feeling okay? Maybe you should have your mom check you out," she teases, detouring from her usual path to head to the convenience store instead. She's already sweating and it's barely 8am.

"I'm feeling just fine. Just missed you giving me shit all the time," he chuckles. "So, uh, you talk to Top lately?" She knows instantly that he's fishing. She shouldn't really be surprised, but her cheeks warm thinking about talking to Adam. Dreaming about him.

"We talked yesterday. Why?" At least she's pretty good at keeping her voice neutral. She snags a Gatorade from the cooler and a breakfast bar from the register. Sitting at the bar in the window, she takes advantage of the air conditioning.

"Just wondering is all," McG drawls. She can hear his shit-eating grin from a thousand miles away.

"You talk to Amir lately? Seems like things are heating up between him and Hannah."

The abrupt turnaround has the desired effect of knocking McG down a couple pegs. They spend the rest of the conversation discussing their teammate and his blossoming romance.

She spends the entire walk home trying _not_ to think about Adam.

**

Weekdays, she's mostly alone at the house. Connie volunteers at the library and Dale still works at the bank. Gavin teaches theater at the high school, which isn't out for another week. So Jaz usually takes a nap after lunch.

Without Adam's voice in her ear, her daytime dreams usually stay pretty boring. But for some reason, her talk with McG means she hasn't stopped thinking about Top since the morning. So she drifts off, thinking for the millionth time about kissing him, and it's no surprise where that leads.

Except this time, it's not just kissing. No, this time, his hands slip under her shirt, his fingers sweeping up her sides, following the faint contours of her ribs. He palms her breast unapologetically, like he belongs there--like she belongs to him--and if she had any breath left, Jaz might've begged him to just touch her, to feel what it did to her.

But Adam touching her like this makes her breathless and dizzy, and it's all she can do to arch into his hand as his thumb teases over her nipple. And then his mouth covers the other one, and she thinks she might die, because his mouth is fucking perfect, and she can practically feel the rumble of his groan as his tongue teases her skin. It makes her imagine his mouth other places.

It's that thought that she wakes up to, with a frustrated growl. Her phone is buzzing and for a second, she thinks it might be Adam (that thought definitely makes her blush just now), but it's Gavin's name on the screen.

"I have, like, two minutes. But you, me, moonshine, lake? I'm off in an hour," he says.

"My kinda date," she agrees, hoping she sounds somewhat normal and not like she just woke up from an incredibly hot sex dream about her off-limits boss.

"I'll pick you up. Gotta run. Love you!"

And with him gone again, Jaz is left with a choice: a cold shower or an indulgence in the fantasy her mind had so perfectly crafted. She opts for the latter (though, honestly, it feels a little weird being in Elijah's bed), and slips her hand under her shorts. Thinking of his mouth again, Jaz imagines his tongue against her, teasing over her clit the way her fingers are right now. She pictures his eyes, watching her intently. And in what seems like mere seconds, Jaz is coming apart, shuddering through her pleasure, his name slipping almost too easily past her lips. It's the best orgasm she's had in a really, really long time.

After she's recovered enough to breathe evenly, there's just enough time to pull herself together and take a shower before Gavin shows up to meet her. Jaz thinks about texting Adam, but she has no idea what to say.

**

Going to the lake with Gavin is the perfect distraction. They lay out on the boat in the late afternoon sun, enjoying the quiet and the bottle of moonshine one of Gavin's students had given him as a gift.

"That's a nice perk," Jaz notes, amused, as she takes a sip straight from the bottle. She knows exactly how potent that shit is, so she chases the swig with water a few seconds later.

"What can I say? I have fans."

"I've been meaning to ask, since we spend all this time talking about me, you given any thought to dating again?" She says it carefully, wondering if it's too soon.

"I think about it sometimes," he admits after a pause. "It's not like I think he'd hold it against me, you know? He'd want me to be happy."

"But," Jaz prompts, waiting.

"But what if I'm being selfish?"

"What?" She sits up to look at him. "Why would you ever think you were selfish?"

"Maybe you only get one great love, you know? I had mine. Maybe that's enough."

"And maybe it's not," she counters. "You're 32. Your life isn't over."

"I mean, being a single gay man after 30 is basically death," he says, so dramatically that Jaz can only roll her eyes and sigh at him.

"You won't know unless you try."

"Now you sound like one of those inspirational calendars."

Jaz wonders if she's been spending too much time around Preach.

"Look, you can't just ask me to think about things with Adam and then not be willing to at least put yourself out there," she says. "Just make yourself a profile on Tinder or whatever. It's not like it takes any work."

"Says the girl who's never crafted a dating profile in her life," Gavin challenges.

"How do you know?"

"Jaz. When was the last time you went on more than a hook-up date with a guy you picked up in a bar? Probably somewhere exotic?" He fixes her with a stare that dares her to dispute him.

"Fine," she concedes. "But you're not gonna let a little fear get in your way, are you? I didn't take you for a chicken."

"I should throw you overboard for that."

"Oh, you can try!"

In the end, they both end up in the water, wrestling and laughing until the fight ebbs into comfortable silence, both of them floating and looking up at the sky.

“I’ll give it a try,” he says eventually. “For you. We both deserve to be happy.”

“Yeah. We do.”

Jaz thinks about Adam again, and her cheeks flush. She's grateful Gavin's not looking at her. For now, her secret is safe. She doesn't think it'll last long at all.

**

Her assessment is accurate, because Jaz's secret lasts until after dinner, when she and Gavin crawl into the bed of the pickup with the rest of the moonshine.

"So you've been fussing with your phone all night. What gives?" he asks. She reaches for the bottle and he holds it away from her. "Uh-uh. Answer first."

"I could totally kick your ass and just take it from you, you know that, right?"

"You wouldn't dare hurt little innocent me," he gasps in mock horror, clutching his chest with his free hand, the other still withholding the alcohol. "Spill."

Jaz groans and slumps dramatically against the back of the cab. "I had a dream. About Adam."

"A dream," Gavin echoes. Realization dawns and he sits up, rod-straight, staring at her like he just won the lottery. "A sex dream!"

"Jesus, keep your voice down," she mutters, casting a glance back at the house. She'd be mortified if Elijah's parents heard this conversation.

"Sorry. A sex dream?" He whisper-shouts this time.

"Yes. And it was...really hot, okay? And all I can think about is talking to him again and it's making me insane. Happy now?" Jaz lunges for the bottle and snatches it away from him, taking a healthy sip, only coughing a little after swallowing it down.

"You have to tell him."

"What?!" This time, it's her voice that carries across the yard. "I can't do that. Are you insane?"

"Jaz. Come on. Live a little. If he doesn't respond, then fine. You have, what? Another six weeks to forget about it? But what if he does? You can at least have a little fun," Gavin pleads, giving her a fairly impressive puppy-dog look.

God help her, she actually considers it. And then takes another sip of moonshine. And then picks up her phone and opens her messages.

"This could ruin my career, you know."

"Okay, Drama Queen," he huffs, rolling his eyes.

She stares at her screen and types.

_J: i had a dream about you today._

She hits send before she can chicken out, and then throws her phone at Gavin.

"I can't believe I just did that!"

"You're my favorite person. Have I told you that lately?"

"Oh my God. What if he doesn't text back?" she groans, burying her face between her knees.

"Um, except he just did."

Jaz snatches the phone back from him so fast, she almost drops it.

_A: Oh? What about?_

Innocuous. Of course he wouldn't assume anything.

"What do I tell him?" she almost whines.

Gavin takes the phone back and just types 'things... ;)' before showing it to Jaz. She waves him on. It's not any worse than what she'd come up with.

_A: Care to be more specific?_

Oh. She swallows. He's playing along.

"Good Lord, you're in trouble now," Gavin laughs, delighted. "And my work here is done for the night. I'll leave you to your late night digital rendezvous. I'll see you at breakfast."

"No! You're leaving me with this? I don't know what to do with this!"

"Honey, something tells me you'll figure it out just fine." He kisses her forehead and hops down from the truck. Carrying his moonshine off into the darkness, he leaves Jaz with her phone.

_J: we were kissing._

_A: I do miss kissing you._

_J: you do?_

_A: Yeah. I think about it a lot._

_J: me too, it's why i had the dream in the first place. i haven't stopped thinking about it all day._

_A: Must've been some dream ;)_

Did Adam Dalton just wink at her? In text? She feels like a giddy teenager, sneaking secret messages in the dark. It's not terribly far from the truth.

_J: there may have been more than kissing._

_A: That could mean a lot of things..._

_J: you were teasing me. under my shirt._

It takes her a good thirty seconds to work up the courage to send it, and then she stares at the three dots that almost instantly appear next to Adam's name. It feels at least twice as long before his text comes through.

_A: Jesus, Jaz._

_J: and then it wasn't just your hands_

_A: My mouth?_

_J: yeah. and then i woke up._

There was another long pause this time. She's given him the chance to let it go. She's convinced he'll take it.

_A: Was that all?_

Her breath stalls and she closes her eyes. The air suddenly feels too warm.

_J: not exactly_

_A: Then what?_

_J: i thought about your mouth on me..._

_A: Do you have any idea what you're doing to me right now?_

Alone in the dark, Jaz actually whines at that. Somehow knowing she's making him hard makes everything so much more real.

_J: guess I shouldn't tell you how hard i made myself come.._

_A: has anyone ever told you you're a tease?_

_J: it's been mentioned...you complaining?_

_A: Not in the least._

_J: cuz i can just stop..._

_A: Don't you dare._

The command in it makes her shift and press her thighs together. She wishes Gavin had left her the damn moonshine.

_J: what should i do instead?_

_A: Jaz..._

_J: i want you to tell me or i wouldn't be asking._

It feels like several eternities before he responds. Jaz doesn't think any text has ever taken longer.

_A: Touch yourself for me...tell me how wet you are_

For the second time today, Jaz gives in. And this thing that's been growing between them morphs again. There's no going back now. Tonight, Jaz is perfectly okay with that. She'll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaz and Adam continue their dangerous little game, Jaz has a heart to heart with Elijah's mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for waiting a bit, guys!! Life is busy busy busy these days! Hope this chapter was worth the wait, though!! Thanks to my betas/cheerleading them. You guys are the best.
> 
> This chapter is NSFW, just so you know. Next time, the drama starts! (Oh, come on, it couldn't all be fluff and smut!)

Jaz wakes up sated and warm. She can tell immediately that she’s slept later than usual, which isn’t surprising given her faint headache and how late it’d been when she’d finally snuck back inside. Sparing a quick glance at her phone she confirms that it wasn’t all some crazy hot dream before promptly shoving the phone away. That’s the fastest way to get worked back up.

She makes it into the shower before the anxiety kicks in. What if he doesn’t talk to her again? What if things are weird now? And they have to work together. It’s not like she’s going to risk transferring to another unit. By the time she’s done showering, Jaz is basically a mess.

The worst part is, she can’t exactly talk to Amir or McG about it. So that leaves Gavin. But he’s already at work for the day. And Adam. Well...

_You could just text him…_

The thought occurs to her as she’s brushing out her hair. Objectively, it makes perfect sense. It’s not like she’s ever backed down from things because they were too hard. But this terrifies her in a way nothing else ever has. She decides to wait a little, for no real reason other than nerves, and goes downstairs to grab breakfast.

There’s fresh coffee and fruit salad and some delicious frittata thing that reminds Jaz of Amir--she makes a mental note to call him later. It’s been a couple of days since she’s teased him about his budding romance. The back door is open, despite the heat, and there’s a faint, muggy breeze drifting through. She can hear Connie humming outside, and for a minute, she forgets about Adam and work and stress. Instead, she imagines growing up in a house like this, coming home to a mother who made damn sure to be there every day, to a father who genuinely wanted to know how her day was, to parents who didn’t fight or hit or throw things.

“They’re your family now, too,” Elijah had told her, after the first time they’d come. They’d been on the plane back to Turkey, and she’d made some comment about how great his family was. She hadn’t really believed him. Family didn’t work like that. But then she’d gotten her Halloween care package, the same day as he did, filled to the brim with candy and stupid, gaudy, cheap decorations, and a sparkly greeting card that said _Have a Spooktacular Halloween!_. That card was still tucked away in a box of mementos, all from Elijah’s family. _Her_ family.

“Sweetheart, come sit with me.” Connie’s voice draws her out of her thoughts, and she joins the other woman outside.

“I didn’t realize you were home.” Jaz sinks onto the swing next to the older woman.

“I wanted some extra time with my daughter while she was home,” Connie says, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Jaz has to swallow back the lump in her throat.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Oh, Jazzy girl,” she sighs, exactly how Elijah used to. “Come here. How long’s it gonna take you to figure out that spending time with you, loving on you, isn’t a chore?”

Jaz scoots closer, leaning into Connie, resting her head on her shoulder. She can’t help the stiffness in her spine at the obvious display of motherly affection, but it feels nice just the same.

“I thought about not coming here,” she admits softly, watching the squirrels battle each other on the birdfeeder at the far end of the yard. “I thought...I didn’t know if you wanted me here.”

“We will always, always want you here. Did Elijah ever tell you about Ruthie?” Connie strokes her hair and Jaz feels an overwhelming sense of calm, one she’s not sure she’s ever felt.

“No…” 

“I wondered. He never did like talking about her. Hurt him too much, I think. He was a sensitive boy. But you know that. Ruthie, well, she came along when he was just about three. We’d just started thinking another kid might be nice, and then I found out I was pregnant. God’s timing, I thought. And it was. Everything is. Just, not the way I expected. She came the day she was supposed to and everything, but she never took a single breath. An angel before I ever saw her face.”

Jaz sits up to look at Connie, stricken. “I had no idea...he never said anything…”

“It’s alright, darling. There’s a point to this story. He must’ve worked it out himself, too. But you and Ruthie...you have the same birthday. Right down to the year. When I found that out, I cried for a good long while.” She smiles warmly, squeezing Jaz’s shoulder and kissing her forehead. “See, God had a daughter in mind for me all along. He just took a little extra time to send you to me.”

Sharing intimate details has never been Jaz’s forte, and that’s just as much about hearing them as telling them herself. Her family is anything but emotional, and feelings tend to scare her. But right now, she just wants to give Connie a hug, so she does. She’s never been one for fate or God or any sort of higher power, but today, she sees a little glimpse.

“I’m glad I’m here,” she whispers hoarsely as Connie holds her tight and rubs her back.

“Me too, sweetheart. Me too.”

They stay like that for a while, rocking gently, until the air is too hot. When they finally move, Jaz feels like a part of her that’s been missing for a long, long time, has finally slipped back into place. It’s that feeling that gives her the nerve to text Adam after all.

_J: hope you slept as well as i did._

It’s not avoidant, but it’ll be easy enough for him to pick a direction for the conversation to go from there.

She pockets her phone and goes inside to help Connie clean up breakfast. Home feels good.

**

It doesn’t take Adam long to get back to her, but by then she’s in the garden, helping Connie, and her hands are gloved and covered in soil, so it’s lunchtime by the time she actually checks.

_A: it was definitely the best night of sleep I’ve had in awhile. I guess I should thank you?_

She grins to herself, flushing.

_J: how exactly do you plan to do that?_

“There’s only one thing that makes a girl smile like that, and it’s a man,” Connie observes, arms crossed, a knowing smile on her lips.

Jaz straightens and shoves her phone into her pocket again, chagrined. 

“Good for you. You deserve to have a little fun. Now, if only you could convince Gavin of the same thing.”

“I’m working on it,” she promises, sipping her iced tea. Despite her best efforts, she jumps when her phone goes off again.

“I’d say I need to have a talking to with this gentleman, whoever he may be. But something tells me you’ve got that covered,” Connie says.

“Yeah, I don’t think you have to worry about that. It’s nothing serious.”

“I see,” Connie says in a way that makes Jaz think she doesn’t believe her. “Well, you tell yourself whatever you need to to get through the day. But you let me know if there’s anything you want to talk about. I’m always here.”

“Yeah.” Jaz smiles. “I know.”

“Alright. I’ll leave you to it, then. I have some errands to run in town. I’ll be back before dinner. Don’t get into too much trouble.” Connie kisses her cheek and grabs her purse before heading out the door. Jaz can’t reach for her phone fast enough.

_A: that depends what you want._

_J: I want to know what you want._

The pesky three dots appear beside his name and she stares for an eternity before huffing in frustration and downing the rest of her tea. It does nothing to cool her down.

_A: I spent all morning thinking about being inside you._

She almost chokes and has to go upstairs to the privacy of her room before even thinking about responding.

_J: no foreplay, huh? Just straight to the point_

_A: was last night not foreplay enough?_

_J: last night was last night. It’s a new day._

She laughs to herself as she falls onto the bed, grinning at her phone like an idiot. This still feels like a dream. A forbidden dream.

_A: You’re still okay, right? With yesterday?_

Jaz can’t help but shake her head and groan at him.

_J: would i be texting you like this if i wasn’t?_

_A: I just don’t want to hurt you._

_J: i’m a big girl. We’re just having fun._

It’s the only way she can justify doing this. It can’t be serious. They have a job to go back to. One with pages and pages of details of all the ways they’re screwed if they pursue this.

_A: Right. Just fun._

She can almost hear the disappointment in his tone. But she won’t let anything ruin this. It’s the one piece of them she’s letting herself have.

_J: you really spent all morning thinking about fucking me?_

_A: Jesus, Jaz. Yes. I really did._

_J: i wish i’d dreamed about that…_

_A: Did you dream about me again?_

_J: no. i don’t remember. But i wish i had._

_A: Me too._

_J: but i’m thinking about you now…_

And so Jaz spends the next hour in bed sending dirty messages, and this time, she’s entirely sober. Two orgasms later, she wonders why they didn’t think to do this sooner. (The rational part of her knows the answer, but that part is on vacation right now.)

**

She worries a bit that talking to him will be weird. Like now that he’s made her come, their conversations will be awkward and she won’t know what to say to him. But his name lights up on her phone at the usual time.

“Hi,” she greets, hoping she sounds normal.

“Hi. So tell me about your day.” It’s basically what he says every night and Jaz breathes a little sigh of relief. Maybe they can have their cake and eat it too. For now, she’s sure as hell going to try.

She tells him about Ruthie and about Connie and her vegetable garden. They talk about Elijah and care packages and family and home, and when they fall into silence, it’s just as comforting as it’s ever been.

**

For eight days, nothing changes. Some days, they spend all day texting each other inappropriate, teasing things. Some days, she spends most of her afternoon nap thinking about all the ways he could undo her. And some days, things are totally normal and he sends her pictures of the dog and she responds with the deer she encountered on her morning run, or the ice cream float she got at the general store. It’s nice. It feels normal. Like they haven’t both killed people, like they haven’t almost died themselves.

Today, though, he’s in a mood. She’s barely awake before he texts her.

_A: i had a dream about you…_

_J: good morning to you too_

_A: Sorry. Good morning. I woke up and you weren’t here. I wish you were._

_J: i wish i was too._

It takes half the morning for him to text her anything overtly sexual. She bides her time, curious, because he’s never the instigator.

_A: you were begging, in my dream._

She reads the words five times, wetting her lips, then biting them, heat curling low in her stomach, almost lazy.

_J: what makes you think i’d beg?_

_A: I already know it’s impossible to make you do anything. It was a dream. ;)_

That damn winkie face again. She can’t believe him.

_J: but that means you want it, right? Me begging you? To do what, Adam? Fuck me? Make me come?_

She’s gotten a lot more brazen as days have gone on, but it still makes her warm and wet and needy.

_A: you were begging for my fingers. I’d been teasing you a while._

God, he was going to kill her.

_J: you know i hate being teased…_

_A: really? All this texting? Could’ve fooled me._

Admittedly, he has a point.

_J: I’d beg for you._

_A: I just want to hear you like this. Begging or not._

_J: like what? Turned on?_

_A: Yes._

She thinks about it, imagines doing this on the phone with him instead. She’s thought about his voice a million times. Part of her reasons that it’s not that different from what they’re already doing. And that part isn’t wrong.

_J: Do you really want to hear me?_

_A: Yes._

Jaz draws a shaky breath and rolls onto her stomach, pressing her thighs together and shifting slightly against the bed, fighting to quell some of the ache.

She’s seconds from calling him when the door flings open and Gavin is suddenly on top of her. Jaz isn’t one for being flustered but she can’t help scrambling to pull herself together in his unexpected presence. 

“School’s out!” he exclaims, and she curses herself for forgetting. They’re supposed to get lunch and go out on the boat. “Oh my God, were you talking to Adam? You were totally talking to Adam!”

“Leave me alone!” She says, but she’s laughing as she protectively clutches her phone, warding him off.

“Was it good? Should I leave?” Gavin asks, relenting and sitting up, clasping his hands like a child on Christmas morning.

“No you shouldn’t leave. We have plans. He can wait.” Jaz isn’t entirely sure that’s true. She’s not sure _she_ can wait either.

_J: sorry, interrupted. We’ll talk later?_

_A: Of course. Have fun!_

Jaz tucks her phone away and pushes all thoughts of Adam from her mind. They make it all the way to the diner before her heart slows to normal, but there’s still heat thrumming through her. It lingers all day, and it’s exactly what gets them into trouble.

**

When Adam calls that night, she thinks about not answering. Exhaustion from the day has crept up on her, and she’s still needy and sensitive and all of these things are a terrible combination. But those things also mean she has next to no self-control. So she answers anyway.

“Hey. Sorry about earlier,” she says, then wonders if she shouldn’t be leading with that, talking about it.

“Hi. Don’t be. Gavin deserves your attention,” Adam chuckles, and maybe it’s her imagination, but it sounds lower than usual, gruffer. She shivers.

“So do you.”

“I get plenty.”

“Mmm, you have a point there.” She smiles and stretches with a soft moan, which is unintentional. Mostly.

“Jaz.” He exhales audibly and it’s definitely not a deterrent. 

“Hmm?”

“Is this my payback for dreaming about teasing you?” Hearing him say it out loud makes her shudder.

“Something like that.” She stretches again and hums, wondering if he’ll back off.

“I think it’s worth it,” he decides.

“Did you mean what you said before? About wanting to hear me?” She drags her teeth over her bottom lip, plucking at the drawstring on her sleep shorts.

“Jaz,” he says again, and she’s definitely not imagining the want there.

“Because I want you to,” she whispers. “You should hear what you do to me.”

The soft growl on the other end of the line has her aching.

“Is that a yes then?” She’s being a tease and she knows it, but he doesn’t seem to be complaining. “I need you to say it.”

She won’t cross this line without him.

“Yes,” he whispers hoarsely. “I want to hear you.”

“See? That wasn’t so hard.” Her fingers slide under the elastic of her shorts, dipping lower. Her breath catches as they meet wetness. “God.”

“Fuck,” he mutters, and if she closes her eyes, she can see him there, watching her.

“I”ve been soaked all day,” she purrs, dragging her fingers along either side of her clit. “Thinking about you.”

“I thought I was supposed to be teasing you,” Adam murmurs.

“So says you...I mean, apparently you think you can make me beg…” She strokes just barely over herself, and even that is almost too much. After thinking about him all day, she’s pathetically sensitive.

“Hmm, over the phone, that depends on you,” he says, almost thoughtful.

“Lucky for you, I’m feeling generous.” She eases two fingers inside herself and thinks instantly of his, of how much more they’d stretch her, fill her. A moan slips out before she can stop it.

“Lucky me,” he rasps.

“You never told me how you were teasing me, in your dream.”

“With my mouth. Everywhere but where you wanted me.” From the way he pauses, Jaz can tell there’s more, so she waits, her fingers barely moving. “I wanted to taste you so damn bad, but taking my time was worth it. The sounds you were making...Jesus.”

The way she whimpers, broken and desperate, isn’t entirely for his benefit, and the way her body spasms around her fingers definitely isn’t for him at all.

“Exactly like that.” Adam hisses through his teeth and through the haze of arousal, she figures out he’s touching himself, too.

“I’d beg for your mouth...for your tongue…” She moans at the thought, imagining his lips on her stomach, on her thighs, his stubble scraping her skin. “And then I’d beg you to fuck me.”

“Would you?” He’s pushing now, coaxing it out of her, and she doesn’t entirely mind. 

“Please. God, Adam, I need you…” Saying his name like this always breaks her. With the phone cradled between her shoulder and her ear, Jaz slips her other hand down to rub her clit. “Please…”

Whatever response she’s imagined from him, the broken, breathless growl of her name beats all of them and she shatters, barely managing to muffle her moans as her body shakes, overwhelmed with pleasure. When the rushing in her ears quiets, all she hears is Adam’s ragged breathing accompanying her own.

“You okay?” she asks.

“Isn’t it my job to be asking you that?” His tone is unreadable and something like fear settles in the pit of her stomach.

“I asked you first.”

“I’m good. We’re good.” But it sounds more like he’s trying to convince himself than anything else.

“I don’t regret it, just so you know.”

“Jaz…” He pauses, sighs. “I could never regret you.”

“Okay.” That comforts her somehow, for now at least. “Sleep?”

“Yeah. Sleep.”

It takes a while of just listening to his breathing, but eventually it levels out and she closes her eyes, too. She dreams about waking up in his bed, in his arms, without a care in the world. It feels real enough to touch.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of crossing the line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go!! Sorry for the delay! Updates may be a little slower...baby is very mobile which leaves me with little time and little energy! Haha. But I promise, I'm still writing!

In the morning, Jaz wakes up to find him still on the line, his steady, even breathing calming and familiar. Reassuring. There’s still an uneasiness in the pit of her stomach, knowing they’ve obliterated whatever hint of a line still existed between them. She doesn’t want to say that they can’t come back from this, but it’ll take work. If he wants to come back from it. If she does.

God.

Suddenly, all she can think about is his voice and how he’d sounded saying her name. Her cheeks warm at the thought, and the rest of her body isn’t far behind. She disconnects the call and slips out of bed. Regardless of the heat or humidity, this morning definitely calls for a run.

The sound of the dirt under her feet is familiar now. It’s different from the sand back in Turkey, but this place has wormed its way into the fabric of her soul the same way the quonset hut had. The birds, the breeze, the rattle of truck tires on the road, it all settles her, like looking down the scope of her rifle. Maybe moreso. And she has to wonder at that.

Nothing has ever made her feel more whole than lining up her shot and taking it. The black and white of it had appealed so strongly to the younger version of her, the one who grew up in a world of grey. The one who grew up powerless and lost. Jaz isn’t that girl anymore, and she hasn’t been for a long time, but the distance seems more tangible now, between the past and the present. She’s not lost anymore. And she’s definitely not powerless.

After this last deployment, she can admit that the reason for that is Adam. He’s the reason she’s still here, in more ways than one.

Her phone rings and Jaz drops the damn thing. It clatters against the cracked pavement of the track and skids a bit, but stays remarkably intact. Muttering curses under her breath, she bends to pick it up, finding Gavin’s name on the display.

“So first of all, you need to tell me how your night went. Connie says you have a gentleman caller, which I can only assume is one Mr. Adam Dalton. And secondly, guess who has a hot date on Friday?”

“That was quick,” Jaz says, choosing to ignore the first part. “Who is he? Send me his picture. He’d better be hot enough for you.”

“You come back to the house, I’ll tell you all about him. Lord knows how you run in this heat, Jazzy. I broke a sweat just walking from the car to the porch.”

“It’s not _that_ bad,” she scoffs. “I’ll be back in 20. Think you can handle that?” There are still laps to run, her head’s still not entirely clear, and there’s energy coiled in her muscles that needs releasing..

“You’re lucky I love you. Iced tea’ll be cold by the time you get back.”

“You’re the best.”

“I know,” Gavin says and Jaz laughs as she hangs up and starts off along the track again.

Jaz’s thoughts drift back to Adam, to their conversation by the fire after Tehran. The darkness creeps up on her too, not that she’d told him that. She wonders, though, if that’s why he’d confessed to her. Still, her darkness isn’t the same as his. Killing isn’t her poison. That’s just a side effect. No, control is her thing and always has been. And Jaz has been wondering lately, whether her darkness looks like too much control or none at all. She’s not sure which one is scarier. 

Coming to a stop by the bleachers, lungs burning, sweat pouring off of her, Jaz pauses and looks across the track at the low brick buildings of the high school. She tries to imagine, like in Elijah’s kitchen the other day, what it would be like to have grown up here. Maybe she’d be married now, have a family, a normal job. The thought makes her laugh a little and Jaz shakes her head to clear it before heading back toward home.

**

As promised, Gavin is waiting for her with fresh iced tea and pancakes and Jaz doesn’t even consider a shower before joining him at the kitchen table and digging in.

“Show me,” she says around her first mouthful, beckoning with her free hand.

“Slow down there, cave girl,” he teases, but hands over the phone with a photo already on the display.

“Damn,” she says once she swallows her food. “He’s like...a bodybuilder model or something. Nice catch.”

“Right? He’s delicious.”

“Where are you going?” 

“A club in Huntsville.”

Jaz almost asks why but the look in Gavin’s eye tells her and she suddenly remembers where they are, in rural Alabama. The city is safer.

“Text me when you get up there,” she murmurs. “If you need me, I’ll be there.”

“You sound just like Connie,” Gavin laughs. “I promise I’ll be extra careful. Just for you. But, girl, I have to get laid and he is...a fine, fine choice.”

“Can’t argue with that,” Jaz agrees, laughing.

“And don’t you dare think I didn’t realize you dodged the Adam question. Which definitely means there’s something to tell, so spill it, Jasmine. I’m waiting.” He lifts his brows and grins expectantly.

Jaz stares down at her plate of half-eaten pancakes, blushing faintly. Her phone buzzes and she takes the opportunity for a distraction. 

_Adam: Saw these and almost bought a box out of habit._

A picture of a box of poptarts accompanies the text and Jaz actually laughs out loud. 

“Uh huh.” Gavin smirks knowingly. “What’d he send you? A dick pic?”

“What?! Ew, no.” She makes a face and swats at his hand when he reaches for the phone. “And if I was laughing at that, we’d have a problem.”

“Alright, alright, calm down. I’m just asking is all.”

_Jaz: You shoulda bought some. Maybe i’d come eat them._ She hits ‘send’ before she can overthink it. At least he texted her first.

“We...maybe escalated a little last night,” she admits to Gavin, who makes some ridiculous high-pitched screaming sound that nearly has her covering her ears.

“You had _phone sex_ with Commander Adam?” His head drops back dramatically and he throws his hand over his eyes for good measure.

“Could you maybe not call him that?” she groans, instantly regretting her decision.

“I’m sorry, but that’s just hot, okay?”

“Yeah.” Jaz grins at her fork. “Yeah it was.”

_A: I’ll pick some up next time. ;)_

“I’m going to take a shower. And then we’re going out on the boat. With lots of alcohol.”

“Yes ma’am,” Gavin agrees, saluting her. “Go, go. I’ll clean up.”

In the shower, Jaz wonders if Adam really means it. She’s not sure if she’s ready to find out. But the thought is there. It’s a start.

**

Texts for the rest of the day are sporadic, mostly because her phone overheats in the sun after a while and the battery drains from searching for a spotty signal. But it’s enough to reassure her that things are okay. Adam’s acting normal. Maybe a little flirtier than usual, but normal.

Jaz spends the day in and out of the water with Gavin, talking more about his new potential boytoy, and about Adam. They talk about maybe a day trip somewhere, or even spending a weekend on the coast. She doesn’t talk about Pennsylvania. She’s not ready for it yet.

But the sun and the soft lapping of the water at the sides of the boat make that seem okay. Jaz doesn’t have to have all of that figured out right now. It’s enough to just be here and think about the possibilities of the future and know that, right now, she has control over all of them. That feels pretty damn good.

**

It’s around dinner time before things get weird. She texts him when they get back in the truck to drive home, her phone charging on the cable in the console while Gavin cranks the radio, rolls the windows down, and navigates the dirt back roads with enviable precision.

All she says is, _I kind of can’t wait to hear your voice tonight_ with her own winkie face. And the read receipt goes on almost immediately, but he doesn’t reply. No pesky little ellipse, nothing.

Pushing aside her unease, Jaz watches the dust kick up from the tires in the sideview as the sun sinks below the trees, casting an orange glow over everything. It doesn’t calm her at all.

**

Dinner is over before she caves and texts Adam twice more. Again, the read receipts pop up instantly, but no reply. Growling in frustration, Jaz shoves the phone onto the nightstand and stares at the stars on the ceiling. There’s no way she’ll sleep tonight. Instead, her mind turns over every last possibility. 

He hates her. That’s where it starts. He hates that she pushed him, that they crossed a line they could never ucross. He resents her for putting his career on the line. He resents her for putting _her_ career on the line. 

Then it shifts into, he was just pitying her, he didn’t want to hurt her feelings and now he doesn’t know what to say about it. She’s been reading things into their relationship for months and it’s all in her head. He’s her CO and there’s no way he could ever feel that way about her.

Then it’s, he met someone else. He’s on leave, he’s allowed to have a little fun. And he’s attractive and sweet and kind and thoughtful and smart and funny and...The problem is, he’s all of those things, and any reasonable girl would be attracted to him. So maybe he’s out with her. Spending the night in her bed. Making her beg. Whispering her name.

The thought makes her feel sick to her stomach and a little like crying. Pushing it away, she grabs her phone and stalks outside, huffing as she climbs into the bed of Elijah’s truck with a blanket.

“Going a little crazy here, Vallins. I could really use your help,” she mutters. It’s been a while since she’s talked to him. Out loud, anyway. Strangely, it makes her feel a little better, even with no response.

It takes a while, but exhaustion eventually wins out and Jaz falls asleep out under the sky, willing herself to believe that the last option isn’t an option at all. Because thinking of him with someone else is awful, but thinking about him dead is a million times worse.

**

It’s Dale’s truck pulling out of the driveway that wakes her the next morning. The sun’s just barely over the horizon and everything is covered in a faint haze. She’s covered in dew and her phone is still clutched in her hand. No new messages. Her stomach lurches.

Before she really registers what she’s doing, she texts McG and demands he call Adam immediately. And then she calls Amir.

“Hello?” the voice that answers is decidedly not Amir, but it’s familiar.

“Have you talked to Top?”

“Not in a couple days?” There’s rummaging in the background and Hannah’s murmuring to Amir, asking the same. “No, not since earlier in the week. What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know. Probably nothing. He’s just...not answering.” It sounds so damn stupid when she says it like that. She’s showing too many cards. But the ache in her chest is worsening with every passing second and Jaz can’t think straight.

“We’ll try. Amir says he probably went camping.”

“He would’ve told me,” Jaz replies. The distress is apparent in her own ears and she makes herself take a breath.

“Hey, we’re here. We’ll figure it out, okay?” Hannah’s tone is soothing and warm and it reminds her she’s not alone in this.

“Yeah, okay.”

“Give us ten minutes and we’ll get back to you.”

Jaz nods even though Hannah can’t hear her and hangs up the phone. McG’s response isn’t anymore helpful.

“Phone’s dead,” he says. “Or at least it’s going straight to voicemail. He probably went camping.”

“That’s what Amir said.”

“Do you think something’s wrong?” he asks. McG trusts her instincts. Normally, Jaz does too. But that’s the job. This isn’t that.

“I don’t know,” she admits, hugging her knees and exhaling shakily. “I don’t know.”

“Hey, Jazzy, I got you, okay? Whatever you need. You know that.”

“I know.” The small bit of relief she’d felt at Hannah’s reassurance returns now and she tries to hold onto it.

“You could always go up there, you know,” McG says, like it’s the easiest thing in the world.

“Yeah.”

Connie appears in the porch doorway then, and even from here, Jaz can tell she’s worried.

“Listen, I’m gonna go. Call me if you hear anything?” she asks.

“I got you,” he repeats.

Jaz hangs up and climbs out of the truck bed, walking back toward the house. Her muscles ache and she knows that means she slept like crap. She hates not being on top of her game.

The porch steps creak under her feet and the smell of fresh coffee greets her before she’s even reached the top step. 

“Talk to me, sweetheart,” Connie murmurs, reaching out for her.

After a moment’s hesitation, she lets herself be gathered into Connie’s arms, and it’s the strangest thing, because somehow, that’s more comforting than Hannah and McG combined.

“Adam’s missing...or at least he's not answering? I don't...it's not like him. He doesn't owe me anything and maybe he's just camping but--” She draws a shaky breath as Connie kisses her hair.

“Now, I’d never tell you what to do. But if it were me? If I truly thought something might be wrong? I'd go see for myself, just to be sure.”

“Yeah?” Jaz lifts her head to look at the older woman. Her eyes are just like Elijah’s and she can imagine him telling her exactly the same thing.

“Let’s go book you a flight to Pennsylvania.”

It feels good to have a course of action.

**

Gavin drives her to the airport two hours later. The trip is mostly silent until they’re pulling up to the curb. There’s too much nervous energy thrumming through her for mindless chatter.

“You’d better kiss him,” he says, and Jaz lets out a startled laugh. “Cuz you’re gonna go there and he’s gonna be just fine. So yell at him for being an idiot and falling off the grid without telling you, and then kiss the hell out of him.”

“He’ll be lucky if I still want to kiss him after this,” she counters, shouldering her bag.

“Oh, you’ll want to kiss him alright.” Gavin leans across the console and kisses her cheek. “Don’t disappear on me, okay? Come back. He gets you the other nine months of the year.”

“I’ll be back,” she vows, hugging him before getting out of the car. This is home, after all. She has nowhere else to go. And she wouldn’t want to anyway.

**

On the plane, Jaz realizes two things. First, she hadn’t mentioned anything to Gavin about his date. And second, Hannah had answered Amir’s phone. At 6am. Both of these things are enough to distract her for the duration of the flight, a welcome reprieve from worrying nonstop about what kind of horrors await her in Pennsylvania.

When she closes her eyes now, she can see that doctored picture of Adam, the one Arthur had shown her. So she doesn’t close her eyes. Instead, she crafts her conversation with Amir, calling him out for not telling her sooner. And the subsequent discussion with McG about all the ways they could tease Amir about his new girlfriend. The one he’s apparently sleeping with. At least someone is getting laid.

And then she thinks about Gavin and his bodybuilder model boytoy, and whether those two have anything in common at all. About whether that even matters, if he knows it’s just a rebound anyway. And whether it counts as a rebound, really, when the one you’re rebounding from isn’t really gone so much as dead.

The morbidity of that makes her chest ache, but the plane is descending now and Jaz turns her attention to the ground, watching the details come into focus from above. It’s easier to focus on concrete things.

Her phone goes off almost as soon as she turns it back on. Texts from Amir and McG and Dale and a voicemail from Patricia. That one, she deals with first, skipping the message entirely in favor of speaking to the Deputy Director directly.

“They found him. He’s going to be okay.”

Patricia must keep talking after that, but Jaz doesn’t hear a word of it. She watches the other passengers disembark in a trance, the words repeating in her head.

_They found him._

Trembling in her seat, clutching the armrests until her knuckles turn white, Jaz fights a losing battle with her emotions.

_He’s going to be okay._

When the tears start, she doesn’t even try to stop them.


	8. Author's Note! :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a general update/information!

Okay, since myself and the rest of the Fab 5 (kyrieanne, undercoverwatermoon, chibisere23, and ICarryYourHeart) are all fielding the same questions about the futures of our fic...NONE OF US HAVE ANY PLANS TO STOP WRITING. This fandom is amazing and we ALL love it and have ZERO intentions of walking away, especially while all of us are in the middle of projects. THEY WILL ALL BE FINISHED. Cross our hearts. Barring...horrible things, they will all be done.

That being said, since the news, we have all be FURIOUSLY busy on Twitter with the renewal campaign...we have a small sliver of hope left and we're gonna chase it down until there's nothing. PLEASE HELP. If you care enough to read/comment/leave kudos on our fic, you care about this show. Even if you've never used Twitter before in your life, right now, it could change the fate of our beloved show (and it's really not hard to learn, I promise!). 

Tomorrow morning, Monday, from 8:30am-10:30am EST, we are having a trending party. You can very easily use TweetDeck to preschedule your tweets so you can sleep/go to work/school/do your life. Please see here for more information (this is not my twitter, I'm logictron over there too!): https://twitter.com/linsteadislove/status/997849613171417088

Okay, that's it. I'm sorry this wasn't an update, guys, really. I'm working on it but this takes precedence right now. We're here, guys. We're not going anywhere. Thanks for sticking with us. <3 Let's get to work. One more time.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YES. IT'S REAL. AN ACTUAL UPDATE.
> 
> We find out what happens to Adam. Jaz has a lot of feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being so patient, guys. Seriously. I know it's hard to wait on fic. I know. Especially when we were anxious about renewal...and then depressed about cancellation. We have more Twitter work to do...there is still a small sliver of hope. Next big thing is kicking off Thursday so please join us. We need every bit of help we can get!
> 
> The next thing on the docket after this will be the final chapter of the madness game. But since a couple more chapters of fight just a little are already done, at least one of those will go up first. The bottom line is I'm still writing and I'm not planning on stopping. So don't worry! Thanks for sticking with me.

The guy at the rental car counter gives her an upgrade. It’s probably because she’s barely holding back tears, and the military ID definitely doesn’t hurt. Somehow, she ends up with a truck identical to Elijah’s, down to the dark navy color, and when she sinks into the driver’s seat and adjusts the mirrors, she spares a second to breathe.

“Thank you,” she says out loud. It feels a little bit silly, talking to him here. This is the real world, it’s not base, it’s not home. But in the quiet of the truck, it feels good anyway.

Patricia had texted her the hospital’s address, and when Jaz keys it into her phone, it’s still a 53 minute drive.

“I take it back,” she snarls, wrenching the truck into gear and pulling out onto the road.

Driving gives her too much time to think, and she’s too close, now, to distract herself with thoughts of Hannah and Amir, or Gavin’s sexy city date. All she can do is think about Adam. Alive, yes. But hurt. Alone. She still doesn’t know all the details, but when she thinks about all the ways she could’ve lost him--could _still_ lose him--it scares the shit out of her.

Jaz thinks about Xander, about her confession, and his response. Because yeah, the idea of losing any of them is unthinkable (she’d felt that again with Preach), but losing Adam? And losing him here? She scoffs to herself, her grip on the wheel tightening, cursing whatever higher power might be listening under her breath.

“You just gonna keep taking shit from me? What the hell’d I ever do to you?”

As if in response, the GPS directs her off the exit and she’s faced with bumper to bumper traffic.

“You’re a sick fucker, you know that?”

The expected arrival time ticks up a few minutes and Jaz hisses through her teeth, knocking her head against the headrest repeatedly.

“Anyway, what the fuck is the point? Aren’t I supposed to be taking risks, here? Making connections isn’t exactly easy for me. And here I am being, what? Punished for it? Give me a damn break.” She pauses, shaking her head. “We’re supposed to be safe here. Kind of an unspoken rule. We put our lives on the line the rest of the time. This is supposed to be a gimme. And okay, I get it, he’s fine. But he’s hurt. And he scared the shit out of me. And we both know I don’t do fear well.” Another pause, another breath. “Is that the point? Learning to handle my fear?”

The GPS rattles off her next set of instructions and the traffic lets up a little bit. Jaz finds herself laughing at this stupid game of ‘hot and cold’ she’s playing with some imaginary omniscient being. 

“Fucking ridiculous,” she mumbles to herself before cranking up the radio to drown out her thoughts. It only half works, but she makes it to the hospital in one piece.

**

There’s some confusion when she arrives, because Adam’s still in the ICU and they only allow immediate family. Having never been good with words, Jaz comes pretty damn close to reaching across the desk and shaking the woman on the other side.

She already can’t stand hospitals and her anxiety is through the roof. Arguing with some glorified candy striper isn’t helping a damn thing. She wishes Connie was there, and that’s definitely a first. But Connie would know exactly what to say.

Instead, the receptionist checks her computer again, eyeing Jaz over the top of her glasses.

“They’re moving him soon. If you’d like to have a seat, I’ll let you know--”

Jaz stalks off, pacing aimlessly. She's embarrassingly close to crying when a nurse appears from down the hall.

“Miss Kahn? We’re moving Mr. Dalton to another room now, if you'd like to come with me?”

Jaz almost doesn't respond, because she honestly doesn't remember the last time someone called her that. But it clicks after a few seconds, and Jaz can only nod as the woman leads her back down the hall toward the elevator.

“He said you'd be waiting. Started asking about you as soon as he opened his eyes. You should probably look at getting his next of kin contact updated. That'll make things easier.”

Jaz knows she's just trying to be nice, but right now it's just noise, and she wishes the nurse would shut up. Her chest feels tight, her throat is dry, and her eyes won't stop burning.

They get to the room just as Adam is being helped into the bed from a wheelchair. She registers the apologetic flinch he offers as their eyes meet, but that doesn't stop the anger from welling inside her. 

There’s a long moment of tension as the nurse settles Adam and checks his monitors, but then they’re alone and Jaz breaks.The tension and uncertainty pour out of her as she lashes out,, stalking toward him, angrily spouting off every last fear she’s spent the past day rehashing, over and over. She hadn’t started out yelling, but her voice rises because the door opens and a couple of concerned looking nurses appear. Adam waves them off.

“Jazzy,” he croaks, his voice hoarse and raw and it stops her dead. She looks at him again, finally, and nearly withdraws when he reaches for her, his knuckles grazing her cheek.

“I--I was...God, you scared the shit out of me,” she chokes, the fear bubbling so readily to the surface, it makes it hard for her to breathe. “I thought--”

Adam shushes her, his hand finding hers, squeezing. “I know, and I’m sorry. The last thing I ever wanted to do was scare you, okay? I’m sorry.” 

“What happened?” She realizes she still has absolutely no idea.

“Come here,” he murmurs, scooting to the side and patting the bed beside him.

For a month now, all she’s wanted is to crawl back into bed with him, to do more than just remember the warmth of him, how safe she feels with him breathing steadily beside her. But making the choice now feels like a _thing_. Because now it’s not about necessity.Now she’s let him in that much further, and it’s just the two of them here, alone, in a hospital in Pennsylvania.

Still, Jaz feels a little broken, a little vulnerable, so she eases carefully onto the bed beside him and he settles, his lips pressing to her forehead.

“I took Patton for a walk. The woods around the cabin have always been quiet. But there were hunters. Stupid. You know how that dog gets around loud noises. Dumb mutt took off on me, spooked and he was just...gone. I went after him and lost my footing. Fell down a pretty steep ravine, knocked myself out pretty damn good. Broke my arm, bruised a few ribs. Apparently Patton came back for me. Didn’t stop barking his head off til someone came looking to see what all the fuss was about.”

“I knew something was wrong,” she mutters, gingerly fingering the edge of his cast, where it stops just below his elbow.

“Hey, can you--Just look at me for a second.” Adam shifts away from her and Jaz obliges him, her heart beating faster, anxiety creeping up her spine. “I would never disappear on you on purpose, okay? No matter what else is going on between us, I’d never just walk away from you. I need you to know that.”

“Man, you hit your head pretty hard, huh?” Jaz asks, though the humor is lost on the lump in her throat.

“I’m serious.” He’s not letting her back down from this and she wants to fight it, because that’s all she’s ever done. Instead, she offers him a barely perceptible nod.

“You were supposed to be safe,” she whispers.

“I am. How else was I supposed to get you here, huh? Baiting you with poptarts didn’t work.”

Jaz relaxes at that, finally letting herself process that he’s okay.

“Just figured I’d make you wait a little,” she says, her gaze flicking up to the monitor at his bedside, watching the steady blip of the heart monitor

“Isn’t that my job?” Adam asks, and it takes Jaz a second to realize he’s talking about teasing her. Her eyes lift to his and her cheeks flush.

“Are you honestly going there right now? You look like hell. When was the last time you took a shower? Or brushed your teeth?” Jaz laughs.

“Adding insult to injury now? That’s low.” Adam chuckles, but he winces.

“Easy there, tiger. You’re not that funny.”

Irrational fear surges again and Jaz is running out of steam to keep it at bay. He’s still hurt. He’d lost consciousness, for fuck’s sake. She can deal with fear in the field. There’s always action to balance it out, something to be done, some sure next step. Protocol. Not now. And the uncertainty has her floundering.

“I’m okay,” he murmurs. Jaz should be used to this by now--him figuring her out--but right now, the transparency leaves her feeling raw.

She withdraws from him, getting back to her feet. To his credit, Adam lets her go without a word. She paces until the doctor comes in sometime later, and hearing an honest assessment from a professional helps.

“When do we get to go home?” she asks before realizing she has no idea if Adam wants her to stay. This, Pennsylvania, is his home, not hers.

“Without any complications? We can talk about discharge by dinner tomorrow,” the doctor says. “I’ll stop by again in a couple of hours. I know hospitals are notoriously bad for sleep, but try to rest.”

“What’s the policy on overnight visitors?” Adam’s question catches Jaz entirely off-guard. Her heart skips a beat, and she tries really hard not to stare at him, but he _wants_ her here. With him.

“You get one.” The doctor glances at Jaz, and then back at Adam. “We don’t look too closely at who it is. You’re in the clear. There’s a spare blanket and pillow in the cabinet under the sink.”

And then they’re alone again.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Have to…? Jesus, Jazzy. I want you here. You think I’d sleep at all knowing you were a few miles away and I couldn’t see you?” It’s the closest he’s come to saying he cares about her. The faint pricking of tears behind her eyes has her turning away from him, but he always sees her somehow. “Come here. Please.”

Part of her wants to be strong enough to push him away, to shut him out and keep him at a safe enough distance so they can go back, because forward is full of change and uncertainty and Jaz doesn’t do those things very well. But this, whatever they’re doing, is a slippery slope, she’s exhausted, and all she wants to do is be close to him. So Jaz crawls back into bed with him, mindful of the cords and the tubes and his injuries, but she fits against him anyway.. 

“We need to talk,” she whispers, eyes again drifting to screen on the monitor. It’s easier than looking at him right now.

“We will.”

Jaz believes him, and it’s enough.

**

Even tucked up against him, his heart beating steadily under her palm, Jaz still sleeps only fitfully. Hospitals are her least favorite place and she’s jittery and anxious, regardless of Adam’s physical state. When she manages to drift off, her dreams fill with slices of memories. Other hospitals. Other tragedies. Other nightmares. Tehran works its way into the tableau, the stark white fitting with the fluorescent, impersonal glow of the room she’s sleeping in now. There’s blood and there’s pain and there’s Adam, lifeless. Arthur’s voice, the one she’ll never forget, seeps in, too, talking about team and family. Things he has no business talking about.

Jaz wakes up panting and drenched in sweat. At her back, Adam’s fingers move just enough to tell her he’s awake. When she looks up, he’s staring at her, his concern obvious, and she sighs.

“I don’t want to talk about it yet,” she whispers. Being honest with him is getting easier by the day, and that scares the hell out of her. The clock on the wall reads just past 4am. Jaz thinks about home--her bed with the soft, hand-stitched quilt, the gentle hum of the fan stirring the air, the birds and the crickets and the faint smell of coffee brewing. It calms her and she breathes, slow and steady, syncing with Adam without meaning to. That’s what they do.

**

They wake up for good at 6am, because the shift changes over and the new doctor comes by. Jaz is sore and cranky and exhausted, but Adam’s here and it feels like home. Minus the guns.

“We’ll do another assessment this afternoon and talk about sending you home for dinner,” the doctor says, and Jaz wishes like hell that McG was here because he’d be able to talk some sense into the doctor who isn’t much older than she is. Another twelve hours in this place might actually make her insane.

“We still have to talk,” Adam says once they’re alone again. Of course he hasn’t forgotten. That she’s a total emotional mess probably isn’t helping her case.

“I need coffee.”

“I’m not trying to trap you,” he replies, and Jaz rubs a hand over her face. She’s forgotten what it’s like to be around him, to know she can’t hide. He’s right--it’s not a trap. But it’s hard to have feelings, let alone talk about them.

“Do you ever think about what you’ll do...after this?” It’s not what she means to ask. This isn’t the conversation he meant they needed to have. But it’s what comes out.

“I’m in for the long haul. This is what I do. What I’m supposed to be doing,” Adam replies, taking it in stride.

“I know. But what you do isn’t supposed to be who you are, you know? This job doesn’t exactly leave a lot of room for the other part, but eventually, you gotta figure it out. You deserve to figure it out.” Jaz is well acquainted with bad men, and Adam isn’t that.

“What do you want, after this?”

“I don’t know. To wake up in the morning and know where I’ll be falling asleep that night? To not always be waiting? A family, maybe?” Jaz shrugs like it doesn’t matter, like Arthur’s words hadn’t stirred something inside her that had laid dormant before.

“I didn’t realize that was something you wanted. The family thing.”

“Me neither. Before this year...I think I was happy with the way things were. I still am. But maybe I want more, too, eventually.”

More like Alabama, like family dinners and traditions and predictability. Like a job that isn’t life or death for the people she loves.

“You deserve that.” There’s something about his tone that sends and angry little stab of dread right through her chest and she stares at him, counting to ten, steadying her breathing. She doesn’t have to yell for him to listen. He’s proven that a million times over.

“And what about you? What are you hoping to gain here, Adam? Talking to me everyday like...like you want this, and then pretending like I could ever want anyone but you?” Absurdly, once the words are out, all Jaz can think is that Elijah would be losing his mind right now.

“I don’t know.”

Every single part of her screams to run at that, to get as far away from here as fast as possible, because all that’s here is pain. But it’s muscle memory. Running from him won’t solve anything, so Jaz breathes and counts and stays.

“We can’t go back,” she says quietly.

“I know that.”

“I don’t want to go back.” Suddenly, looking at him, all she can imagine is losing him and never knowing. “It scares the shit out of me. God, you have to know that. But I want to go forward, Adam. With you.”

“Okay,” he agrees.

For the first time in three days, everything makes sense.


End file.
